At present: September 2023 – Peanut Butter Fingers

Hey associates. How are you? How is your week going? It looks like we’re solely at some point into the week over right here because of the lengthy weekend. We spent our weekend near house and loved numerous time exterior and enjoyable with family and friends. It felt like the ultimate hoorah of summer season as all of our boys are again at school this week and we’ve had little glimpses of fall climate within the mornings.

As for at present, I’ve my espresso in hand and I’m prepared to talk with you guys however my mind feels jumbled and my feelings are admittedly everywhere. I’ve 1,000,000 completely different concepts for at present’s weblog put up and figured I’d go forward and mesh all of them collectively within the type of a “Currently” blog post — aka the proper all-over-the-place type weblog put up that makes it straightforward to share just a little little bit of every little thing swirling round in my frazzled mind proper now. My final “At present” weblog put up was in February so I figured we’re overdue anyway. Let’s dive in!

At present: September 2023

  • At present Soaking Up… the final of summer season

We’ve had some cooler mornings over the previous week or so which have me craving sweater season however one other a part of me is preserving my ft firmly planted in summer season so long as doable. I really like lake days, pool time and feeling heat sunshine on my pores and skin. We had 14 youngsters and 11 adults over on Sunday for practically six hours of enjoyable on the lake and it made me so, so joyful. Once we constructed our house, we envisioned internet hosting family and friends and all-day gatherings and seeing our youngsters mild up as they splashed and swam within the lake made me really feel so grateful for the one billionth time.

  • At present Can’t Consider… it’s (lastly) again to highschool for ALL of our boys!

After dwelling in limbo for 3 weeks with Chase at school and Rhett and Ryder semi-patiently awaiting the start of their preschool 12 months, all three boys are again at school this week (with a staggered begin for Rhett for 2 weeks however not less than it’s one thing). This bizarre limbo zone of 1 child at school and two youngsters out of faculty admittedly wasn’t my favourite. I LOVE summer season and find it irresistible when all youngsters are house and we now have full freedom in our schedules and I really like the routine that comes with the college 12 months however the limbo zone of faculty for one child and no college for 2 wasn’t my favourite. Apparently I’m an all or nothing sort of lady with summer season or the college 12 months so now that we are able to formally say college is in session in our home, I really feel like I can start to embrace our new routine.

  • At present Trying Ahead To… Cheering for Ryan throughout his first FULL IronMan!

After months of back-and-forth, Ryan formally registered for his first FULL IronMan. He’s accomplished three 70.3 IronMan races and has one other one he’ll be doing with my brother-in-law on his schedule for the tip of September however he’s had a full IronMan at the back of his thoughts for some time now. A full IronMan is a LOT — we’re speaking 140.6 miles (a 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike and a 26.2 mile run) — and I’d be mendacity if I mentioned I wasn’t just a little nervous for him. The gap simply completely blows my thoughts however I additionally know he completely can do it. He’s devoted, motivated and robust and we’ll be rooting for him throughout the race and within the two months main as much as it as his coaching kicks into full gear.

  • At present Remembering… Greg

Shedding my father-in-law was one of many hardest issues our household has confronted. It’s one thing we nonetheless battle with and take into consideration typically, particularly as grief manifests in several methods. The opposite day I learn Brittany’s blog post the place she touched on shedding her father greater than three years in the past. Her phrases had been highly effective and there was one a part of her weblog put up I’ve discovered myself eager about on repeat. I needed to share her phrases right here for anybody else who is likely to be navigating loss in a technique or one other.

“One factor I learn about myself now’s that I don’t prefer to dwell within the adverse. Nonetheless, I’ve pushed myself recently to take the time to really feel, actually really feel, these items earlier than taking a deep breath and recentering on the attractive life proper in entrance of me. ‘Change the channel,’ as dad used to say. I consider that the complete spectrum of feelings make us human and I wish to expertise all of it, whereas at all times returning to face the sunshine.” 

Her perspective felt just like the reminder I wanted to take a seat and really feel the immense ache that may bubble up after I take into consideration Greg and about what all Ryan skilled and is experiencing referring to the lack of his father. It additionally served as a reminder that it’s okay to really feel these issues, cry the tears we have to cry and take these shaky deep breaths even once we know what we now have proper in entrance of us is one thing to cherish.

  • At present Ruminating Over… Our “ought to be” due date

I haven’t talked a lot about our fourth miscarriage since sharing just a little bit about it again in January after which relating our loss once more after I mentioned our household’s thoughts on a fourth child in March. A giant a part of me looks like I’ve exhausted all discussions of miscarriage on this weblog and one other a part of me realizes it’s in all probability actually freaking annoying to examine for anybody on the market whose longing for a kid (nevertheless which will look) goes unanswered. It additionally felt “small” (for lack of a greater phrase) in comparison with the immense loss we felt when my father-in-law handed away.

On the identical time, one other a part of me acknowledges that utterly ignoring this loss on this area isn’t being true to myself both. To be trustworthy, it’s one thing I’ve discovered myself struggling extra with not too long ago, as our “ought to be” due date got here and went in August.

My coronary heart is struggling as a result of I want so deeply I had our child at house with us proper now. I want I had our child sleeping on my chest as I kind up this put up. On the identical time, I nonetheless very a lot stand agency within the phrases I shared again in March and never one single factor has modified since then referring to rising our household. (We’re not attempting for a child and sure won’t ever once more. The considered being pregnant once more fills me with intense anxiousness and I meant it after I mentioned I don’t suppose my coronary heart can undergo it once more.)

Whereas I discover myself eager for the child we misplaced, it’s that child I’m grieving and eager for and never essentially one other child. This will likely not make any sense to a lot of you studying on the market (and I’m unsure it could’ve made sense to me after our first losses after I was very agency in my emotions surrounding wanting extra youngsters) but it surely’s virtually like a multitude of grieving the child we misplaced and praying for peace as we proceed to maneuver ahead into the following part of parenting. It’s a part that’s so great and enjoyable and thrilling and a part I’m prepared for but it surely additionally feels so very closing to say that’s the place we’re headed. There’s a swirl of feelings that bubble up after I give it some thought and people emotions have solely felt all of the extra intense because the “ought to be” due date of the fourth child we misplaced got here and went final month.

  • At present Feeling… joyful heartache

Final night time I had a second the place I discovered myself sitting on the bottom within the boys’ bed room with tears rolling down my cheeks. We had been about 20 minutes right into a rockin’ dance get together and Chase and Ryder requested me to cease dancing and sit down and watch them. As I watched our three boys dance of their matching pajamas with none inkling of self consciousness and as I watched them soar and shake and twirl with pure pleasure, I couldn’t assist the tears. I discovered myself stuffed with what I can solely describe as joyful heartache.

I discovered myself questioning how for much longer they’ll wish to do that collectively. I discovered myself absolutely recognizing the years of unabandoned dance events aren’t infinite and the years stuffed with our boys trying to me for consideration, love and every little thing gained’t final. It shouldn’t and it’s my job to ensure it doesn’t however the way in which I felt final night time additionally served as a reminder to soak all of it up.

As Ryan and I let Pepper out collectively after the boys had been in mattress, I instructed him the tears got here final night time as a result of I do know deep inside my soul that there’s going to be a time sooner or later — in 10, 20, 40+ years — after I would do something to relive final night time’s dance get together. We’re within the absolute thick of parenting younger youngsters and that doesn’t come with out its challenges however we’re additionally within the thick of essentially the most extremely candy, lovable, great, consuming, enjoyable and joyful years, too. I do know it. I really feel it. And I wish to cherish it.

Questions of the Day

Choose a “At present” or two and share… 

  • At present absorbing…
  • At present can’t consider… 
  • At present trying ahead to… 
  • At present remembering… (Should you’d prefer to share extra about somebody you’re lacking deeply and remembering, I’d be honored to learn extra about them. I do know generally it may possibly really feel good and cathartic to share one thing good about somebody you miss a lot.)
  • At present ruminating over… 
  • At present feeling…